To a stranger – letter 2

And none will hear the postman’s knock
Without a quickening of the heart.
For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?
~W.H. Auden

Friendship gone sparkles …

The coffee has a strange taste today and the drops of milk are heavy, with burden. I could add a spoon of sugar, but I’m not sure if a fake sweetness is what I need right now and I keep on forgetting to add ‘honey’ on my supermarket list. There is an apple and cinnamon scented candle that wouldn’t leave the smell of the cigarettes lying in the ash-tray to make an appearance, but that only reminds me of a lost friendship thrown in the bin together with melted wax and used match sticks.

We were four of us once, soul-mates / were we really?/, and there was a time when I didn’t need to share my heart in letters to a stranger like you, but that was more than 700 coffees ago. I asked myself the other day what went wrong? How did I come to the day when I realized that in friendship only giving is not enough, that there is something in return that we all need? Gratitude! Gratitude for being there, for listening, for accepting even if not understanding, for making a happy face out of a broken heart…

It was a sunny day in October, perfect for walking by a river, suitable for sacrificing dried flowers in the name of a lost love; but instead we murdered instantly the goddess of hope and we rolled down to the 9th circle of Hell, to the point of no return. I never thought a sunset can look that ugly, grotesque leftover rays pointing at the hidden anger of the weak amongst us, at the cowardice of the silent witnesses who never dared to speak up, unless it was in their favor. Deep breaths overruled by a fiasco of a lifetime!

It’s strange that only today with the taste of strange coffee and the bracelet that I wear in red and white I saw in my memories how bloody the shadows of the sun were that day, lighting over the statue of a lonely musician and his song was no longer a reflection of a melody, but selfishness sinking into our actions. And we, we all wore the crowns of fools, saying ‘Cheese’ in from of the camera for a last time.

I left the old town with the river and the ancient theater in a hurry, leaving behind untaken pictures, unlived moments, unfulfilled conversations and I promised myself that I will never look back, that I will never grief over the non-existent explanation on how a friendship can go sparkles, while there was an army of stars ready to smile on the sky. But here I am, writing to a stranger, searching comfort that only a friend can give me.

The moment when you’ve realized that you haven’t been considered a friend when you were a friend for a half of a lifetime, nevertheless, that you were never good enough to be rewarded with a gratitude, is as scary as this moment when I am about to seal my thoughts in an envelope and address them to you, with the hope that you will answer and your answers will heal the past. It’s scary that I worship the words, not the words of friends but the words of travelers … and strangers, like you, they may seem, but only when the miles of the distance scream ..

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"Writing a letter" courtesy Unpluggedmom.com

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© 2012  Broken Sparkles

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14 Responses to “To a stranger – letter 2”

  1. Kaitlin Says:

    So sad and so relate able!

  2. sonsothunder Says:

    A broken leg heals easier than the heart ache others can leave us to bear. But, there is one who sticks closer than a brother, or sister. Love the words you wrote, but, I hate the reason you’ve written.
    Bless You

  3. Victoria C. Slotto Says:

    It seems like your life has been a tapestry of friendship/love found and lost. You deserve better, Blaga!

  4. iCat Says Says:

    iCat Says: Meowouch… well said, Blaga, “love” and “friendship” are too often expendable and taken for granted, that is, unless one is wealthy/and/or famous. :/

    Reminds me of a song by Ben Harper:

    • Broken Sparkles Says:

      Thank you for the song! It was a nice tune with my morning coffee!

      • iCat Says Says:

        i Cat Says: Meow… glad you liked it, Blaga. :)

        Interesting thing about Ben Harper, I met him in Chicago at a hotel lobby, I had no idea who he was but I was very taken with his presence, so I sat beside him and asked what it was that he did that made him so centered and strong, he replied: “It’s all up here”, (pointing to his third eye), I asked if he meditated, and he said, “Yes”, so I asked him if he had a meditation teacher, he said,”No, it’s all within, each person has to find their own truth.”

        Right after that a big white limousine came up outside and all these bell men started to load it with this huge amount of luggage and he got in the limousine and that was the last I saw of him.

        So, I went and asked the hotel manger who that amazing person was and he said, Ben Harper, looking very surprised that I didn’t know.

        He was so humble that I had no idea he was a famous and wealthy musician, the thing that impresses me the most was his dignity and lack of arrogance, yet, he had the most peaceful strength.

  5. dragonkatet Says:

    My sweet friend, this spoke to me in many ways, as I, too, have been on the unfair receiving end of a ‘supposed’ friendship gone suddenly sour. Sometimes there are reasons, sometimes there are not. The ones where there are no reasons given for the severing of a valued friendship are the hardest to accept, I think.

    It doesn’t help much to think about the truth that some friendships are not meant to last a lifetime. People grow and change, and many times, their paths diverge from ours, we grow apart instead of closer together…sometimes permanently, sometimes for awhile and then we meet them again in life. But you know very well that the joy of giving is in the giving itself, not the receiving. I’m not saying that gratitude for our giving isn’t important! It IS! VERY important! Half a friendship (or love) is never enough. But a giver gives because it is the gift and giving itself that is important, to give love and hope, smiles and warmth of friendship. Consider that some people do not know what to do with such a gift. To some, it is foreign to them, so they do not know how to reciprocate. Some DO know how to give back, but then they get lazy. And then there are some who just take, no matter what – those are the ones you have to watch out for – they are black holes who will suck the energy and life and fun out of you and your friendship, all the while, smiling to your face and simply using you for what they can get from you.

    Rest assured that there is at least one person out here who loves you and is grateful for your friendship! (that would be me, btw, lol) – And I know there are many, many others who feel the same. It is sad to lose a cherished friendship. But to quote from one of my favorite songs, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…”

    I got your package today and I am SOOOOOo excited! :D It was a little piece of heaven inside my mailbox! I will have to send you back something just as special so that YOU can feel the excitement too. :) *hugs* Thank you for being my friend, my sweet Blaga. You are treasured more than you know.

    • Broken Sparkles Says:

      Wow! That was some comment! I agree with you, love and friendships are all about giving and expecting nothing in return, but there is a point where you’ve given everything and inside of you it feels empty and you need little something to continue being a good giver and when your expectations are not covered then it hurts. But people come and go out of our lives and that’s inevitable, there is always tomorrow …
      Thank you for being a friend and … glad to be able to provide an excitement :)! Happy days Corina!

  6. Jamie Dedes Says:

    Poignant narrative poem filled with the sadness of connection disrupted. Nicely done. I would hope not a true story, but it is. Happens to everyone.

    The theme you’ve chosen lends itself well to longer pieces like this and short stories; but, you know me, I’m a whore when it comes to themes! LOL! ;-)


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