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Imagine there is a place where all emotions were born, pure, untouched by the lies of people emotions, virgin feelings that never saw the light of day or the moonlight at midnight; held for centuries in a dungeon where no Divine or a human soul has ever been. And imagine how one day the chains, the torture, the walls, the caves burned down and all these desires were let out into the wild. Double that! No! Make it times ten! And then add the power of the five senses, the lullaby of the winds, the lives of raindrops fighting to survive the ground, the alchemy of the sun, moon and star- lights … that’s how it was being with Alex.
And it wasn’t because of the little things he’d do to make me feel like I was the only woman in his world, I’ve felt that before; it wasn’t because of the flowers or because of the passion he managed to extract out of me kiss after kiss, I’ve had many flowers and kisses before him; it was because of what I saw in his eyes- worship, respect and love reflecting through a sparkling green light. I’ve seen in the eyes of men love, joy, lust, happiness … anything that could bring a smile into a girl’s heart, but in his eyes, it was something that originated from beyond the beyond. Every day was like the glory of New Year’s fireworks, every night – a happy end of a fairy tale. I was myself for a first time, I crashed all walls down and I let myself flowing into the river of unknown, taking me to what love had in store without a fear.
Sometimes when I was alone, I wondered if my heart was strong enough to handle all this love and few times the shadow of tomorrow curved a wrinkle on the very deep end of my inside peace, but with the sunrise the shadows always faded away and resembled nonsense. Day by day my happiness grew even stronger and turned into an extreme excitement that brought a constant fever into my body and into my heart. Somewhere along the road I had lost control and with that came the jealousy, the doubts, the fear of loosing him. Every minute away from Alex was unbearable and the sight of another woman talking to him even innocently was like the knife of a serial killer ready to strike. I’ve always been a very patient person and with a lady-like behavior, I could never bring myself down to the level of making a nasty, jealousy scene, not now, not back then, not especially when I knew I had no reasons, when I was aware that it was all a fiction created in my imagination.
Of course that didn’t help much, I suffered, chasing invisible demons, I didn’t want it, but thinking clearly wasn’t easy, the emotions were flooding my mind unwillingly and I often let them drown me. Sometimes at night, when we made love and the strawberry body butter on my skin blended again and again with the musk fragrance of his perfume I cried and he sat there holding me, not knowing what to say, how to stop the tears. I was trying to find good enough excuses to cover the real reasons and I knew he didn’t believe any of them, but he never said anything, he just kept being even better at loving me, and I kept being confused and drifting from peace to insanity. And when the company he worked at offered him a six month training course in Germany I saw it as a sign, I was sure that we needed to take a break, I needed to gain back my emotional freedom and I was the first to encourage him to accept.
Alex wasn’t happy when I explained why I am willing to let him go, he thought that my fears were just a face I’ve been going through. But after many conversations, after days of arguing I somehow managed to convince him that some time apart would be good for both of us. “… And each man kills the thing he loves, by each let this be heard, some do it with a bitter look, some with a flattering word, the coward does it with a kiss, the brave man with a sword!” / Oscar Wilde/ and I, unknowingly, killed my love the day I let him leave Athens by thinking I’ve made the right choice… Because the six months turned into an year and then Alex moved to Finland because of a good job opportunity he stumbled upon, thanks to that course in Berlin; and by the time we both realized, we were dating other people and we were friends again.
At first it was Costa and the sunsets in Santorini, then Ben and the feeling of security, after Ben a summer flirt with Tododris and an online passion with Charlie, a long distance, intense relationship with Alexis and … each of them gave me love, made me grow as a person, as a woman even more, with each of them there was something beautiful and something that I couldn’t accept completely. There were tears and laughter, understanding and lies and I tried to find the bright side in each of them, but when you’ve been to the moon once and you’ve seen the stars shining in your hands, it’s really hard to settle down with the faraway glow of neon lights or the fake glitter of fireflies.
It was just before Alex moved to Finland he came back to Athens for a week to see his parents and it was at that time that Ben had just left me, because as he said, he couldn’t take anymore of my demands; and when Alex took me out for a drink and we spent the evening both complaining about the men and the women in our lives, it felt natural to find comfort in each others arms and this is how from friends we became friends who shared intimate moments once in a while. There were no demands or fears, no pressure or jealousy, no plans for the future, just moments when I could be with him and forget about the rest of the world and in the same time to be in control of my own emotions. Sometimes it hurt to have him so close in the same room and on the next day miles away, but I always thought about the few hours left with him and every desire to confess that I want him back was dead even before the first breath of life. ‘It’s better that way’, I’d tell myself and I’d steal one last kiss to keep me going ’till the next time I’d see him.
It was the last week in November 2009, I was expecting him to visit me for a long weekend and the joy was everywhere, even the rain and the clouds didn’t bother me. I remember looking at the skies and wondering how come they couldn’t feel my happiness, how come they wouldn’t smile even for a second, but I moved very fast into thoughts about Alex and ignored the thunders and the lightnings. Until later on, when we were lying in bed and I was babbling happily about something trivial and he suddenly made me stop talking, asked me to listen to him and there it was, the biggest thunder ever, ” blood and wine were on his hands” and “the poor dead woman whom he loved, and murdered in her bed. For each man kills the thing he loves, yet each man does not die. “/ Oscar Wilde/
‘I am getting married next month’, he whispered and I was again, 25 years old, in his arms, in the hotel room in Halkidiki, not realizing that I shouldn’t smile, but I should run, run, run to where the sound of a ripped paper can equally fight with the turbulence in the air that brings death; and even further, where time stops and the crack of a human’s soul is nothing more than an innocent joke. I should’ve ran! To the end of the world!
Everything happens for a reason, they say. I have no idea why I can’t offer you a happy end right now, I’ve blamed myself long enough to know that to dance tango it takes two; and I have no idea why there is this constant feeling that someone stole every bit of summer that I had inside of me, I’ve survived worse than a winter caging my feelings. But I can tell you, the next day when Alex left, I wrote my first poem …
In love with the rain
The quiet rain that murmurs outside,
that calm rain I know is burning you inside,
because if the wind blows and
the muddy floods stop all of a sudden,
you know I will leave you to sleep.
My hair, sparkling wet and the scent of it,
I know you drain off with your eyes eager,
the dewdrop that trembles on my neck,
it’s all that you have in your dreams.
And if I ever reveal my love for rain
if I ever confess it’s because of you,
please don’t hate me,
I know you created the drops that fall right now,
I know you invented the rain for me.
Author’s note: The story is based on true events, for a better presentation I’ve added few fictional moments and I’ve changed some of the names. Excuse the mistakes if you see any, it is difficult to look myself for mistakes right away. Thank you everyone for reading!
© 2012 Broken Sparkles